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How we sabotage our Self-Love and Self-Confidence

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We only see how beautiful we are when we begin to accept and love ourselves. Love our virtues and our  flaws. Love ourselves when we fly and in the moments we sit with our wings folded. Love ourselves with what we did and with what we didn’t do. Love ourselves with what we can and with what we cannot. Completely, unconditionally, infinitely, permanently love ourselves.

This is what life is all about. Partially. Learning to love others the same way we love ourselves is the second part. But, this is another article for another time and we should stick to this subject for the moment.

Self-love and self-confidence are 2 sides of the same coin, in my opinion. One cannot love himself or herself without a strong self-confidence and viceversa. One deals with the heart and feelings, the other one with the mind and thoughts.

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What prevents self-love and confidence from arising?

Pattern # Doubt – When we doubt ourselves, everyone doubts us. It’s what we convey and tell about ourselves: “I’m not a good person and you have no reason to trust me. You cannot rely on me. I don’t do it myself. Why would you?”  Doubt covers a large array of thoughts starting with doubting our physical beauty all the way to doubting our work.

Pattern # Self criticism – “I’d be more beautiful if I were a bit thinner.”, “I’m too boring to have someone interested in me.” Sounds familiar? Self-criticism is like a machine-gun. Push the trigger and it won’t stop till you’re down to pieces. It is lethal.

Pattern # Perfectionism – This fellow is self-criticism’s bigger and poisonous brother. It deals with permanent self-dissatisfaction and unworthiness. Wanting to be better means we’re not enough. It’s like questioning God’s creation. It’s like we’d believe God made a mistake when He made us. Instead we should acknowledge our own uniqueness and beauty and grow on it. Not improve it but blossoming from what we already have.

Pattern # Fear of failure – “I’m not good enough to do that. I will fail.” Imagine having a child you love and telling him all day long: “You’re gonna fail! You’re not good enough! You are weak and you should be ashamed with yourself!” Would you consider you love this child if you speak to him like that? Wouldn’t you try to give him support, instead? Wouldn’t you want him to feel safe and loved? Wouldn’t you want him to be happy?

Pattern # Believe & Fear what others say about us – People have their own mechanisms and patterns of thinking built in years of experience. So, they will judge you according to their stories. That doesn’t mean they are right and their version about you is true. It is only an OPINION about you.

Pattern # Lamentation – Complaining about situations and people in our lives leave us powerless and sad. Although we may not notice it every time it happens and consider we don’t do it, playing this game means playing the victim. It means people are bad, life is unfair and God forgot about us. It means solitude, separation and suffering. The more we do it, the more we feed our mind with suffering.

Pattern # Blame – Every time we “fail” we blame ourselves for not being good or smart enough. It’s like a punch in the face: “Take this cause you’re not good enough! ” Event after event, blame after blame we build a sad energy ball that just like a snow ball it will pull us down the valley of despair as it grows bigger and hard.

Pattern # Shame – And there is shame. The feeling that makes us tremble, crumble, burn  and deny our own selves! Every time we feel ashamed with ourselves it’s like a little suicide. It’s like we’d want to disappear.  Of course, this is my experience and how I feel it. However, if you want to know more about the subject and from a scientific poin of view check out Brene Brown’s videos and books. 

Pattern # Comparison – How many times have we not compared ourselves with our colleagues, our bodies to magazine models and our achievements with our friends’? Comparison brings in frustration and sadness. It makes us believe we should be and act in a different way than we actually do.  It’s like  we’d invalidate ourselves and longed for an image.

I hope these thoughts help you identify your patterns and maybe help you love yourself a bit more. When you notice you don’t love yourself, change your thoughts for the opposite.

Such opposites would be:

Certainty  – “I am certain that I am good, valuable, intelligent and worthy of love.”

Self-Praise – We should notice our qualities, make a list and make compliments to ourselves on a daily basis. Remember them over and over again.

Self-Indulgence – We have to be kind to ourselves, forgive, accept and love who we are.

Allowing ourselves to be  – Instead of fearing failure we should enjoy ourselves the way we are and allow whatever happens.

Believe and enjoy who WE believe and know we are – good, honest people trying to make a living.

Gratitude – yes the opposite of lamentations is gratitude! So let’s start practice it right now!

Forgiveness – we should lovingly embrace our past, our mistakes for they made us understand a lot.

Joy of being – we should be joyful and happy for who we are and let other people see how wonderful we are as well.

Acceptance – we should accept and love ourselves. Explore our being and enjoy our company.


If you read this and found something interesting, I’d be happy to know what you think and what your challenges are. 🙂

Love Yourself. 🙂

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